By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
August 17, 2000
Being single isn’t equivalent to being desperate.
I bring this up because some people seem to believe that I would be–no, make that should be–willing to go out with any man rather than not have a boyfriend.
Worse yet, they take it as a personal insult if I don’t follow up on their offers to set me up.
Case in point: A good pal, who herself is unattached, suggested that I have lunch with her friend. I wanted to know why she didn’t date him herself. She mumbled something about him being geographically undesireable.
Uh huh.
It’s never a good sign when they use that as a reason, ’cause frankly, if the guy is great enough, you’ll board an airplane to see him again. She told me a little about him–a writer who shared none of my interests. Then she showed me his picture, which didn’t do anything to help his cause.
So I politely declined her offer.
Imagine my surprise when she tsk-tsk’d me and said, “Oh, Jae. You’re not exactly in a position to be picky.”
Excuse me? When did I suddenly become a member of the unchosen ones?
I realize that no one’s going to mistake me for Tyra Banks and that Keanu Reeves probably won’t be knocking on my door any time soon with an engagement ring (although a girl can always dream). But I’ve got a good career going, my mental health is stable and I’m debt-free.
In some countries, I would be considered a good catch.
But still, her words stung and I convinced myself that maybe she was right.
So I went out with her friend. He spent most of the meal complaining about his ex-girlfriend, his job and why he hated the dairy industry. Halfway through the date, I forced myself to concentrate on a blister on his face. That was the only way I could block out his mind-numbing diatribe.
The whole event reminded me of a high school gym class. There were two non-whites in class–me and another Asian boy. Almost automatically, everyone in class said we should be boyfriend and girlfriend since we had so much in common. Our common factor? We were both Asian.
Likewise, my friend assumed that since her friend and I were both single, we should hook up. When I told her that there wouldn’t be a second date with Writer Guy, she got snippy with me.
I shared this story with another friend of mine who had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend. My pal said that a married colleague of hers tried to pair her up with a man she had met. When my friend declined the offer, saying that she wasn’t emotionally ready to date again, the colleague told her to get over it, and then blamed her for being a snob.
It’s a weird world we live in when it’s considered better to be with someone–anyone–than to go home alone.
And it’s a sentiment that I am guilty of having myself sometimes.
After a recent breakup, I repeated a line that Chandler said on “Friends” a few seasons ago: “I am going to die alone.”
A particularly patient friend took me aside and made a comment that made me re-think my statement.
“Even Chandler found love,” she said. “He’s marrying Monica.”
So he is.
