By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
September 27, 2001
Are you a good game player?
We’re not talking about chess, Monopoly or even basketball here but rather that strange, confusing pas de deux called ”dating.”
Do you punish your man by playing hard to get when you catch his eye roving down another woman’s curves? Do you play it cool when your woman neglects to return your calls when you know she’s sitting at home reading The Rules? Are your friends impressed by your ability to not only play the dating game but also to win nine times out of 10?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations, or condolences, depending on your point of view. You’ve got game.
Angie Lalla may just be 21, but the southwest suburban sales assistant knows a thing or two about being a player.
“Relationships are like chess,” Lalla says. “There’s definitely a strategy involved. You can’t pursue someone without knowing something about them. To play the game, you have to be a victim of it first. I learned from my mistakes. I play the game sometimes, but I don’t purposely hurt people. I have a lot of male friends, so that will make a guy I’m dating wonder for a little while. I’ll let the machine pick up a call instead of picking it up all the time. Also, I won’t do whatever he says. Once you give in, you’re pretty much done.”
Is it right to play games? Yes and no. It just depends on what stage you’re at in your relationship.
“Playing hard to get and pretending not to be available when you are is acceptable in the initial stages of dating,” says clinical psychologist Howard Rankin, who wrote 10 Steps to a Great Relationship (Stepwise Press, $11.95). “Game-playing is an almost inevitable part of the getting-acquainted process. As the relationship develops, game-playing becomes more detrimental than helpful. If you’re still playing games, your relationship hasn’t evolved. Your partner probably will feel manipulated and that can create conflict.”
That’s exactly what happens in the hit “Two Can Play That Game.” A ridiculously good-looking couple, portrayed by Vivica A. Fox and Morris Chestnut, play each other when their seemingly healthy, long-term relationship hits a snag. Shante (played by Fox) sees Keith (Chestnut) out on the town with another woman after he cancels dinner plans with her. Keith explains that they had been working late and had gone out for a bite to eat. He’s not lying, but it’s also obvious he was enjoying the other woman’s attention. Instead of letting it go or making him sleep in the doghouse for a couple of nights, she implements a manipulative 10-day plan designed to have him begging for forgiveness.
John Herrera, 23, has been on both sides of the dating game. The Northwest Side Webmaster adheres to certain guy rules, such as waiting a couple days before calling a woman for the first time. But he also dated a woman who had more game than any man he knew.
“I haven’t dated a lot of players,” Herrera says. “But one girl I used to date cheated on her boyfriend to be with me. She went back to him, and that was the end of us. Then she started seeing someone else while she was with him. The guy she was cheating with ended up leaving her, so she started seeing someone else behind the first guy’s back. That’s a bit much.”
That’s an understatement.
Herrera won’t lie to women, but he may stretch the truth in the beginning of a relationship.
“If we’ve been dating a while and had The Talk about being exclusive, and being boyfriend and girlfriend, then it’s all about honesty and it’s just us from then on,” he says. “But if you’re just casually dating, I’d rather keep it all under wraps than saying something and having it backfire on me. If I was seeing another girl, I wouldn’t say anything about it unless we got serious.”
Player!
“No, I’m not,” he says, laughing. “I’ve come across girls who do that all the time to guys. They’ve got this attitude that they can do it but we can’t. Dating is dating. A relationship is different. Then playing is out of the question.”
Cindy Click has this theory. Dating in your 30s onward is a throwback to seventh- grade courting.
“‘There’s this old Portuguese saying that a woman has to be the cow that runs and then the bull will chase you,” says the North Side project manager. “As soon as you act uninterested, the guy will become interested. Men like to hunt and pursue, which is why the hard-to-get thing works. I don’t like to play games. It’s fun to be spontaneous and just be in the moment.”
