By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
April 23, 2002
Let’s face it: TV, for many of us, is our friend, lover and weekly date. Many of us are so wrapped up in our favorite shows we can recite the weeknight TV lineup better than the names of our last few insignificant others. It’s not difficult to figure out why. The line between TV and reality often blurs and, when it does, we want to believe the writers are reflecting some sort of reality from that blue glow.
Take relationships. The scenarios sound plausible: She cheats on him. He secretly pines for her. She finds out she has a biological daughter she never knew about. OK, maybe that last one isn’t quite as realistic. But when you see the choices and solutions these characters come up with, well, that’s where the fiction comes in.
Still, with universal lessons to be learned and possibly applied to real life, there’s nothing like someone else’s problem to bring out the therapist in all of us. TV solutions rarely work, so consider this a public service.
We’ve decided to solve the ongoing dilemmas on some of today’s hottest shows, just in case you’re going through something similar (and also because, well, we’re busybodies). For some of the tougher cases, we sought professional help (as should the characters!).
‘Friends’
Dilemma: Joey is in love with Rachel, who is pregnant with Ross’ baby.
Solution: These six friends need to broaden their social circle, ’cause their dating pool is just too tiny. Never mind that they’re all too long in the tooth to have roommates. The author of Best of Friends (um, that’d be me) says these guys need to find someone else to obsess about besides Rachel. Thank goodness Chandler has already married Monica and isn’t in on the Rachel obsession. We’re counting on Phoebe to date outside of their circle and land someone much more fabu than Joey, Ross or Chandler.
‘Ally McBeal’
Dilemma: Ally has a biological daughter she never knew about.
Solution: This show has officially jumped the shark and has thankfully been canceled. Ally had her eggs frozen years ago for future use. The egg bank accidentally fertilized one, resulting in a daughter. With both her parents dead now, the child was orphaned. Ally already has taken the girl in as her own. What this scatter-brained attorney needs to do now is get a freaking clue and sue the egg bank for screwing up the order. That ought to ensure a nice college fund for the kidsicle, too.
‘Queer as Folk’
Dilemma: Justin told his boyfriend Brian he could be promiscuous as long as: a) there were no repeat offenders and b) he didn’t kiss his one-night stands on the lips. Then Justin went and did exactly that with someone younger than Brian.
Solution: You can’t apply double standards, no matter how cute you are (and Justin is cute). The trust has been broken, and they need to break up. Now.
‘Gilmore Girls’
Dilemma: Good girl high school student Rory has the perfect boyfriend in doting Dean, but she’s beginning to flirt with bad boy Jess.
Solution: Jess is less of a problem than Rory’s serious relationship with Dean, according to Chicago-based psychologist George Smith. “This is an age where kids should be involved in group dating rather than seeing one person exclusively,” he says. “When you talk about exclusivity for 16-year-olds, it can create a lot of problems they’re not ready for. Even though she’s an excellent student, Rory isn’t street smart, and the street can be a mean teacher.”
‘Smallville’
Dilemma: Clark loves Lana, who only considers him a friend.
Solution: It’s tough moving out of the friend zone, unless you bust a move fast. Clark has been reticent to tell Lana things about her boyfriend Whitney that could’ve swayed her feelings. For instance, stringing Clark up in the corn fields isn’t nice (or funny) under any circumstance. “That’s all nice and dandy that Clark doesn’t want to break up a relationship, but he needs to start thinking about himself,” says Kimberly Williams, a Chicago-based relationship expert for Chicagoblacksingles.com. “If you want to be with someone and you have the poop on who they’re with–and it’s the truth and you’re not just trying to be malicious–there’s nothing wrong in telling. You should think of your happiness. It’s sad that his focus isn’t on himself.”
‘Girlfriends’
Dilemma: Feeling neglected by her husband, Darnell, Maya secretly befriends another man. When Maya rejects his advances (wet, unsexy, sloppy kiss), she breaks off the “affair” of the mind. The jilted lover befriends Darnell, then threatens to give the 411 to him (Oh, hell no!, as Maya would say).
Solution: A wise friend’s grandma used to say, “Don’t start playing games, ’cause in every game there’s a winner and a loser.” Maya needs to tell Darnell that the affair was relatively innocent (he kissed her) and that while it wasn’t right, she turned to him because she felt Darnell drifting away. Regardless of how he reacts to the news, Darnell needs to hear what happened. From her.
‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’
Dilemma: Buffy, the vampire slayer, was dating Spike, a member of the undead. Even though he’s hot, has an English accent and saved her life on occasion, she was too embarrassed to admit to her friends they were a couple.
Solution: Buffy did the right thing by dumping him. You should never date anyone you’re too embarrassed to tell your friends about. Also, she needs to look into her dating patterns. Her first love was with Angel, a kinda-sorta rehabilitated vampire who took a few bites out of her as well. She needs to focus on the living.
