By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
February 12, 2003
Is no relationship better than a bad one?
Yup. The problem is, most of us don’t know we’re in a bad one until we’ve managed to break free.
“It can be hard to spot ‘bad’ relationships, unless, of course, they are really bad,” admits Carina Chocano, 35, author of Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid? The Serial Monogamist’s Guide to Love (Villard, $9.95). “Our culture has been really influenced by therapy, so we are all pretty well indoctrinated to think that ‘working on a relationship’ is almost always worthwhile.
“Serial monogamists in particular feel bad about walking away from relationships that aren’t working out. And of course it’s usually not black and white. All relationships have their good points and their bad points, and after you have been involved with someone for a long period of time, it’s pretty hard to decide to go it alone. You know what they say about breaking up: It’s hard to do, and harder to find a good apartment.”
Should you then feel guilty about being a serial monogamist?
“At the beginning of a relationship, alone seems terrible,” Chocano says. “Toward the end, alone starts looking pretty good. After a while, alone starts looking a little dull, and so the cycle continues. We shouldn’t knock serial monogamists for their ambivalence, because at least they have good intentions.”
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“Being a brain brilliant dater really is about having a mental orgasm with yourself before you can have one with someone else. It’s knowing who you are and how you relate to other people.”
–Author and consultant AmyK Hutchens, whose book Brain Brilliant for Dating hits stores in May
