By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
December 30, 2004
As 2004 draws to a close, we can’t help but wonder how some of America’s wealthiest women managed to dress so poorly. Could the stylists be having private jokes at their clients’ expense? Whatever the reason, these are grown women who should’ve known better. So Paris, Ivana and Britney — we hope you’re reading. It’s time for a makeover. We don’t want to see you back here next year.
Worst dressed spawn of a rock star
Oh, where to start. There were several candidates this year: Lisa Marie Presley. Jade Jagger. But Kimberly Stewart takes the cake. Sometimes she looks like she’s wearing the cake. Wearing fluffy concoctions more suitable for a poodle than a fledgling model, Stewart shows even less style and ingenuity than her eccentrically dressed father, Rod.
Worst dressed Playmate
It’s a toss-up between Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson, but our award goes to the slimmed-down but oh-so-tacky Smith. Proving less always isn’t more, Smith’s penchant for letting it all hang out does little to flatter her curves. Sadly, her style hasn’t changed much since her heavier days. She still wears clothes much too tight, creating an oozing-out-of-her-dress look. Obviously Smith has no shame — witness her reality show.
Worst dressed heiress
Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you should wear it. Paris Hilton has the stick figure designers love, but she insists on covering it with flamboyant pieces better suited for Cher, circa 1972. Our first bit of advice? Lose the hair extensions and stripper-blond dye job. She could learn a thing or two from younger sis Nicky who chooses classier pieces that also flatter her youth.
Worst dressed pop star
Oops, she did it again. And again. Britney Spears’ fashion faux pas are well documented in the tabloids. Whether she’s walking around shoeless in a gas station washroom or wearing a too-small dress she may have nicked from her 13-year-old sister Jamie Lynn’s closet, Brit Brit is a nitwit when it comes to fashion. Sadly, her best outfit may have been the jailbait schoolgirl uniform from her “Baby One More Time” video.
Worst dressed ingenue
Lindsay Lohan as the Ann-Margret of the 21st century? Well, she is a redhead, looks cute as a button and has sprouted a bodacious body. But when it comes to a sense of style, the 18-year-old starlet has yet to come into her own. She’s almost there when she dresses her age in jeans and fun shirts. But when Lohan goes for a glamor puss look, she tries so hard to look the part of a grownup that she comes across sometimes as dowdy. You’re the queen of Hollywood teens, Linds, not the queen of England.
Worst dressed athlete
We love Serena Williams’ prowess on the tennis courts, her awesome smile and her strong, powerful body. But somebody has to help the poor thing learn how to dress. The glamazon comes across more as a drag queen than the beauty she is, largely due to ill-fitted clothes more appropriate for a waif than one of women’s best athletes ever. We love how she shows off her shapely arms but wish her skirts occasionally would reach below her upper thighs.
Worst dressed crossover artist
Never has someone so beautiful dressed so consistently badly. It’s not like Shania Twain has to work that hard at looking good. Throw her in a pair of jeans or a simple sheath and she rocks. But put her on the red carpet and she’ll opt for outdated lace and fingerless gloves or a halter better suited for the cast of “Dynasty” than one of country music’s most popular artists. Hubby Mutt Lange overhauled her sound. Maybe Giorgio Armani can have a similar effect on her clothes.
Worst dressed ‘Desperate Housewife’
Nicolette Sheridan was a sure thing in the 1980s. Now she’s the housewife most in need of a really good fashion consultant. Whether or not she’s had plastic surgery isn’t even the issue. Her body looks great. But there’s nothing more sad than a sex kitten trying to prove she’s still all that. Note to Nic: Just because your Edie Britt character on the hit ABC show leaves nothing to the imagination doesn’t mean you need to follow suit. Or suitless…
Worst dressed arbiter of good taste
You know what they say — those who can do. Those who can’t criticize others. Not us, of course. We’re offering constructive criticism. But Joan Rivers? She’s just being a mean witch? Whether she’s publicly humiliating Kevin Costner for giving his then fiancee a too-small engagement ring or fawning over a celebrity to their face and then making a face when they’re out of her viewing range, she is tacky, tacky, tacky. Guess what, Joan? The Flock of Seagulls called and they want their plumage back.
Worst dressed divorcee
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she has to adapt her fashion sense to her age. That means you, too, Ivana Trump. No matter how gorgeous your gams are or how heaving your bustline is, you should not be wearing clothes better suited for your daughter, Ivanka. Tartan mini-skirt? Please — not even Kimberly Stewart would touch that.
TOP TEN BEST DRESSED
Natalie Portman
Halle Berry
Nicole Kidman
Oprah Winfrey
Penelope Cruz
Beyonce Knowles
Jennifer Garner
Jennifer Aniston
Charlize Theron
Sarah Jessica Parker
