By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times
February 3, 2003
Don’t call the man. Don’t accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Don’t ask him out on a date.
We all know about those tired old Rules spelled out in that book a few years ago. But it’s 2003 and we’re wondering what today’s singles consider to be the rules for dating in the 21st century.
The participants in our non-scientific survey have a few things in common. They’re all single, active daters who aren’t afraid to speak their minds. Most are afraid to have their real names printed in a newspaper though, so we compiled their collective Top 5 rules for dating and asked a handful of brave and savvy singles to share their thoughts.
Meet Alice Marder, a 23-year-old account executive residing in the Gold Coast; Melisa Renee Mowry, a 23-year-old special events manager who calls Wrigleyville home; Scot Kokandy, a 22-year-old systems and process administrator from Hammond, and 37-year-old entrepreneur Rich Cohen of Lincoln Park.
RULE NO. 1: Give your e-mail address instead of a phone number.
Mowry: I know a lot of women don’t like waiting for guys who say they’ll call and never do. So the new thing is to instead give out an e-mail address. You don’t feel as rejected if someone doesn’t e-mail you as you do when they don’t call. I’ve done it. There’s also something about the written word that helps you learn about their thoughts.
Kokandy: If a girl wants to give me her e-mail and not her number, I say, “Next, please.” E-mails are a little impersonal. If you want to talk to me, give me your number. I just think you get a lot less accomplished with e-mails. You can’t tell if the person is being sarcastic or if they’re flirting.
Marder: I don’t really like e-mail. I do it a lot for work, and it’s a little impersonal. Sometimes you get to know people over e-mail or [instant messaging], and then you meet them and the dynamics are totally different. Cohen: I like it. The first time you make contact, they may want to think about how they want to respond. I think you’ll get a more accurate, true response from an e-mail than a phone call.
RULE NO. 2: The first date should be for coffee or drinks.
Marder: Many women I know prefer to meet first for drinks rather than an entire meal in case the date turns out to be horrid. We also like to set up a blind date or a first date for a weeknight rather than a Friday or Saturday because we want to spend time with friends on weekends.
Kokandy: I agree coffee is better then going to dinner for a first date. Drinks are OK for a first date if it’s at a place where you can actually talk. But never go to a movie for a first date. You won’t be able to talk and get to know the person.
Cohen: To keep the focus on the person, I prefer to initially go on dates that avoid other distractions and gimmicks. I want to get to know the person and talk with them.
Mowry: There’s no pressure involved in coffee or drinks. And then if things go well, you can always go out to dinner afterward.
RULE NO. 3: After a few dates, the woman should reciprocate by inviting the man out.
Marder: After a couple of dates, it’s totally acceptable for the girl to ask the guy out and make some plans. After all, if we feel like saying, “Hi,” why shouldn’t we? And guess what? Many guys actually like when girls call them. It’s totally OK to call and say, “I had a nice time.” After you’re dating a while, it’s not a big deal to go back and forth when it comes to treating. If you’re young and just starting out, no one really has enough to support themselves, much less anyone else.
Cohen: It’s definitely a nice change. It’s also a signal to you that she’s really interested in you.
Kokandy: Sometimes girls are nervous, so I don’t want to set any time limit, but I give girls credit for calling guys. That shows they’re confident and going after what they want. It impresses me when girls make the first move. If you want to go out with me, call me or say yes when I call you. I hate games.
Mowry: I would think that anyone involved in a budding relationship would want to be an active participant in it, so yeah, women should take some of the responsibility. Women don’t always feel comfortable with the guys paying for them all the time, either, so I’m sure it’s a nice feeling for guys not to have to do all the work. Who’d want to date someone who can’t think for herself?
RULE NO. 4: Don’t rush into couplehood after only a few dates.
Marder: I totally agree. There’s this preconceived notion that girls want to be exclusive right away. Guys say it all the time, but I think girls think it more. We don’t want to be stuck with one guy right away, either. You have to date different people to see who you want to be with and very few people know that right away.
Cohen: The problem with dating today is before you really know someone well enough to be exclusive with them, you can get very involved very deep, very quick. Although I believe a good relationship sometimes can develop this way, mostly it leads to someone being disappointed with a breakup after a few weeks or months. Lately I have been following a new approach–to get to know a person first over some time before getting more involved. I prefer to go out somewhere casual, where you can discuss ideas and thoughts and get to know them first as a friend and person without trying to impress each other. It’s my new approach, but I am hoping it will lead to quality dates and help to find much better compatibility.
Mowry: People want to go out and meet new people. Why would you want to limit yourself to one person so quickly unless you felt an incredibly strong connection right away? There are so many people you’re compatible with. I wouldn’t want to move into exclusivity too fast.
RULE NO. 5: If the object of your affection turns down two date invitations without a counteroffer, it’s time to stop asking her (or him) out.
Cohen: I actually stop asking after one, unless she offers a legitimate, sincere excuse. But if she just says no, I won’t ask her out again.
Marder: Absolutely. If someone asks me out and I don’t offer another time or place for a date, that’s an indication that I’m not interested. I used to be really picky, but an older cousin told me to go out at least once and give guys a chance. So unless I’m completely repulsed by them, I’ll go out for coffee or a drink. Then if I’m still not interested, I’ll tell them that it’s bad timing.
Mowry: Two dates is a good test. One rejection might be a fluke. Two usually means they’re not interested. If you keep asking and get turned down, you’re just lacking in social skills right there.
